Are you cracking on with online dating? Good for you. Loads of people are giving up on dating apps these days, and yes, used badly they can make you miserable. But here’s the thing: most of my clients actually find great partners through them.
Dating apps are useful tools. They give you access to far more potential partners than you’d normally meet. That means more chances to find someone who’s right for you. But here’s the catch: don’t rely on the algorithm.
The thing is that apps are designed to keep you scrolling. They keep you active and on the site by feeding you tantalising possibilities - so you’ll stay glued to your phone.
With the swipe-able apps in particular, you’ll tend to get shown pictures of the most superficially “hot” men (who are in high demand but may not be relationship-ready), or the guys who are the most active online (and are perhaps “players” and not looking for a full-on relationship). And let’s be honest - most of us glance at a picture, make a snap decision and swipe before we’ve read a word of their profile.
The more traditional sites, which you might browse on your laptop, are a bit better as you gather more information about a person from their profile. But again, the algorithms don’t really work. They’re matching on stuff like height, weight, age, job, salary, education, films, music. Fine details, but not what makes a great partner and someone that makes you happy.
The things that do matter - kindness, warmth, humour, honesty, loyalty, emotional stability and so on - aren’t things an algorithm can measure. Even the more sophisticated sites that rely on extensive personality questionnaires and suggest they’re going to match you with someone highly compatible don’t work. Matching simply on the basis of personality is nigh on. Plus, people don’t always tell the truth in these questionnaires… and men especially can dial up their “agreeableness” scores at the start.
So, what happens? You end up swiping based on photos and a handful of stats, while filtering out the men who actually have long-term potential.
Yes, I know you'd like someone tall and gorgeous. But wouldn’t you be prepared to compromise a little bit on these if it meant you could actually find a partner who genuinely had your back? (I hope you’re saying “YES!”)
So, is online dating a waste of time? Absolutely not. But you've got to know what you're doing! Here’s how:
1. Pick the right app
Sign up to the kind of site that allows you to search on and browse profiles – not those that just serve you “matches”. You need to take responsibility and track down the promising men yourself. Don't rely on the algorithm. Take the wheel.
2. Read before you look
Resist judging by the photos first. Read the profile. In fact, if you can find a way to block the part of your screen that the photos appear on, do that and read what they say first. It won’t tell you everything you need to know, but it will give you a sense of who he is, and it’s usually far more telling than a couple of selfies. And if their profile is empty? That tells you something too.
3. Make the first move
This is not the 19th century. Women can absolutely send the first message, and in fact, it’s a smart move. Take charge of your future and choose who you want to talk to. You’ll usually get a better outcome.
Nobel prize-winning research demonstrated mathematically that a woman who initiates a match gets a better quality mate than those who wait to be chosen.
So, what are you waiting for? Open the app, read those profiles, and start reaching out. This time, you’re in the driving seat.
Dr Mairi is the founder of egg listed business, Dating Evolved. She specialises in helping women over 50 find great relationships, using a scientific, practical approach. Sign up for her FREE MASTERCLASS: The 5 Essentials for Successful Dating – for Women Over 50 (including how to choose an app and write your dating profile), or check out her work and other free resources at datingevolved.com.
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